By: Heather Moncrief-Cox, with Lynn Mattes
It usually starts small – a decline in morning greetings, less enthusiasm when discussing project ideas, or you’re “accidentally” forgotten on important emails. You feel like you’re overreacting, but the work colleague you respect and think of as a mentor and friend is suddenly giving you the cold shoulder. So, you try harder to please them, whether it’s volunteering to take on additional tasks or going the extra mile on a collaborative project, but the tension in the air is still there. Then you start to notice that other colleagues are also less receptive to you, you’re no longer acknowledged in team meetings, or even worse, your hard work is credited to someone else. You start doubting yourself, wondering what it is that you are doing so wrong to cause this giant rift in the department that seemingly can’t be mended… The problem, however, is that it’s not YOU, it’s your workplace bully covertly working behind the scenes.
When we hear the word “bully”, we tend to think back to grade school playgrounds and big kids stealing smaller kids’ lunch money, or “The Plastics” from the movie “Mean Girls”. Unfortunately, bullying doesn’t stop at graduation and those big kids turn into colleagues, or even worse, supervisors. The Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) estimates in their 2024 report that over 50 million Americans have experienced bullying in the workplace, with over 50% of the targets being women. According to the report, while men were more likely to be the bully overall, women were more likely to bully other women (Namie 2024). Statistics are unsurprisingly worse for minorities and the LGBTQ+ community (Namie 2024). Disappointingly, the WBI reports that over 60% of victims lose their jobs as a result of being the bullying victim (Namie 2024).
I reported the bullying by my supervisor to their supervisor, local HR, and even statewide HR, but nothing was done. When I finally spoke with a statewide union steward, I was told that filing a formal complaint would likely lead to me being blacklisted in the agency/state and labeled a trouble‑maker, while the bully would face no consequences. Realizing the environment was unsustainable for my mental and eventually physical health, I began searching for jobs elsewhere, there were limited opportunities where I was. I ultimately had to leave a job I loved and relocate to another state just to escape the situation.
In the field of fisheries, we like to think of ourselves as a big family and that we are always kind to one another, but that simply isn’t always the case. Although statistics for our field aren’t readily available, it’s easy to see how our work environment allows, if not encourages, bullies to thrive. Competition is everywhere – more new grads than positions, limited graduate assistantships, under-funded budgets, layoffs, etc. The need to compete for funding leads to established professionals trying to out-do one another, and some will do whatever it takes to keep their programs alive and names relevant. It’s utterly disheartening.
In my own experiences, my bullies were primarily women, which was a double-punch in the gut. We are already in a male-dominated field (another indicator of increased bullying risk; WBI 2024), we should be lifting each other up, never shoving another woman down to get ourselves ahead. Female bullies are especially difficult to navigate, as they are more likely to be covert bullies – ones that are working behind the scenes to damage your reputation, prevent advancement, limit access, or even get your fired; they are less likely to be overt bullies that yell and demean their victims publicly. This is achieved by spreading rumors or recruiting others to do their dirty work, just like in high school. They are particularly good at portraying themselves as one of the “nice ones”, while their victims know differently. I’ll never forget when I overheard someone tell my bully of nearly three years that they were known as the nicest person in our national organization. It’s very easy to feel alone in these situations, but know that simply isn’t the case!
Covert bullies of both sexes use social isolation to harm their victims, which can be especially hard on one’s mental health, even more so in remote areas or where support networks may be limited. When your work culture centers around collaboration and teamwork, being excluded or ignored can increase feelings of imposter syndrome in victims. Women are especially at risk of having both mental and physical health issues arise as a result of bullying (Misawa et al. 2018). Making matters worse, covert bullies will use their skills of gaslighting and manipulation to convince others that you are the one that is untrustworthy, making it more difficult for you to find support in rectifying the situation.
While it can be easy for an overt bully’s actions to be recognized by others, even if little action is taken, covert bullies sneak under the radar. Complaints to leadership of covert bullying are commonly seen as simple personality conflicts, especially when it is between women. Even worse, the victim is often then instructed to go out of their way to rectify the situation with their aggressor. So now the victim has the (ridiculous) task of trying to work even harder to appease their bully, while already struggling with dwindling mental health.
About a year after I first reported being bullied by a senior colleague, my manager came to me and apologized, because they had finally started noticing what the bully was doing. By the time I received this apology, my bully had turned half of the office against me, and I was having anxiety attacks on a weekly basis.
By isolating their victims, bullies decrease their risk of being discovered, because they are removing the victims’ access to a support system. It is hard enough for a victim to gather the strength to report the bullying, but when they already feel like an outcast at work, they are less likely to talk to others about their experiences. This isolation is intentional, as bullies expect their victims to be ashamed and stay quiet. Additionally, this prevents victims from finding out about one another, enabling them to come together as a team to report the bully. Because here’s the thing: there’s usually more than one victim – once a bully gets away with it once, they will continue to find targets.
However, building a support system is imperative for a victim, even if it has to start outside of the office. Having my friends, both internal and external to my organization, truly is what empowered me to keep pushing through the emotional abuse that I was being put through at work. I started close-knit, with the people I trusted most, but that allowed my confidence to build back up, because the imposter syndrome was taking over, despite my professional accomplishments. Having trusted allies when I felt like “everyone” hated me gave me the foundation necessary to build my plan for putting a stop to the bullying.
This is the part where ALL OF US have a duty to our colleagues – we should all be open to the idea that some people treat others differently than they treat us. When someone comes to you and describes an unsettling incident that happened to them, or is asking for help in navigating bullying behavior, don’t just shut them down because that’s not how you’ve been treated by the same person. A bully specifically picks and chooses how their personality is portrayed to different people in different spaces, because they are fully capable of controlling themselves. They will be kind, generous, and helpful to those they need for their own success, which is what most people see, especially leadership. Most of us have heard the phrase “love bombing”, but many of us only think of it as an issue in romantic relationships, not one that occurs in the workplace, but it absolutely does. Once a bully has deemed that you are in their way or that they’re in some weird competition with you, they become controlling, demeaning, rude and manipulative, just like a bad ex.
I once had three virtual meetings back-to-back with my bully, who was senior to me. The first meeting was just our small team, the second was with our team and another one we worked closely with, the third was with a grant administrator for a project we were trying to get funded. In all three, my bully and I were the first to join the meetings after the hosts. In the first meeting, I got no acknowledgement at all from the bully, which I was used to at this point. In the second, my bully gives me the general ‘Hi J! How’s your day?’, which caught me a little by surprise since we’d just been in the previous meeting. Then, in the third meeting, I get ‘Hhhhhiiii J!! How are you?? I’m SO glad you made it!’ That single series of meetings made me realize just how manipulative they really were, and how easily they could control their behavior towards me, it just depended on who was present and who they were trying to schmooze.
Those of us in positions of leadership especially need to be aware of the signs of covert bullying and how to be the solid ground for a victim to stand on. If a colleague is coming to you on a regular basis to vent about how horrible a newer team member is, but you yourself thought they were doing great, take a step back and look at the whole picture. Does this colleague regularly complain about others, while never taking accountability for their own actions? Does this colleague regularly gossip with a closed circle of friends in the hall, and now suddenly they all have a problem with the newer team member? Do you have an employee that was meeting/exceeding expectations, but suddenly they are being isolated by their colleagues or their work output is suffering or they have stopped speaking up in meetings? Behavior patterns are very easy to recognize, when we have our eyes open.
I was one of the lucky ones, as I was able to build what I called “my tripod”. I wanted to have multiple legs to stand on if things went really bad (which they did), and one of the legs was knocked out from under me. I started reporting, but not just to one person, because I didn’t know who to trust. I went to my supervisor, in person, and told them everything. They were kind and understanding, but struggled to believe me based on their own experiences. I also reached out to a senior advisor/mentor, and she was an absolute rock for me, especially because she worked outside my organization, yet knew the parties involved. When I reported to HR the first time, I used “Colleague A”, “Colleague B”, etc. in my written statement, as I wanted it documented that it was happening to me, but wasn’t sure it was a safe space yet. It absolutely was in my case, but it took me another year before I was ready to name the names. They had it handled to the best of their ability in a week. However, I didn’t tell a soul about going to HR the first time, because that was even more support under one of my tripod legs. I didn’t survive completely unscathed, as there was severe retaliation against me, but the documentation and preparation I had done allowed me to persevere through it all and keep my head held high.
It shouldn’t have been that difficult, though, and it shouldn’t have taken over three years for actions to be taken. If we want the field of fisheries to be like one big happy family, we have to start going no-contact with the bullies that are within. We have to stand up for one another, support one another, and believe one another. We do NOT have to allow bullies to push people out of this field by covertly breaking apart their passion and drive just because it makes the bully feel more important. They aren’t.
Recommended Actions
Unfortunately, covert workplace bullies tend to know how to get away with their antics, so it’s important to protect yourself to preserve your reputation or even position. Think of it as outsmarting the fox, because you have to be even more cunning than they are. Do not get me wrong, it is entirely unfair that the victim has to add even more to their mental load by putting these steps into motion, but they may help save your job:
- Document Interactions – Create a written record of events as soon after they occur as possible. Be sure to include the names of any witnesses, even if they are unaware of the situation. Using a note-taking app with a daily reminder to add entries can be highly beneficial, because sometimes the day just escapes us. However, remember to keep emotion out of your notes. You are simply noting important occurrences to refer back to later if necessary. Export and/or back-up your notes on a regular basis in a secured file, preferably on a personal device. Add supporting evidence (such as emails saved as PDFs) to your file as needed. This may seem extreme, but if the bullying campaign is severe enough to have you investigated on a bogus accusation, you have everything prepared in one location.
- Be Direct – Once you are suspicious of someone trying to bully you, reach out via e-mail to try to address the situation. The goal is to attempt to set any confusion straight and try to figure out a path forward together, in the hopes that they are actually a reasonable person. However, this also puts an aggressor on alert that you are not going to take this quietly and have noticed the change in their behavior. Bullies expect their victims to be ashamed and unwilling to speak up, so being direct can knock them off their perceived pedestal. It can also lead them to suddenly turn on their charm again so that you let your guard down, so always proceed with caution.
- Build Support – Start speaking up, even if it initially is only to family and friends outside of your organization. Bullies want you to feel like it is your fault, not theirs, so talking to others can help you ground yourself and start making a plan. If you have trusted colleagues, start sharing your experiences and talking about it, because others likely have noticed the bullying, just may not know the severity. Additionally, most organizations have some sort of employee assistance program (EAP) that comes with your insurance or benefits package, don’t hesitate to use those resources.
- Report the Bully – This is one of the hardest parts, but you owe it to yourself to take a stand against them. Report the bully to your or their supervisor, assuming they aren’t the ones doing the bullying, the program or project manager, HR, or if you are represented by a union, to your union rep. The documentation you have been gathering will be highly beneficial at this point, and don’t think it needs to be perfect, it just needs to show the pattern.
- Stand Strong – No matter what, do not give up. It may seem like everything is against you at the moment, but don’t let the bully win. A bully wants you to feel small, they want you to doubt yourself, they want you to feel like you’re unintelligent, all because it makes them feel better about themselves. However, YOU know who you are, YOU know how capable you are, YOU know how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are. Lean on friends, family, pets, whatever your support is, to never forget who you are.
References
Namie, G. (2024). 2024 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey. Workplace Bullying Institute. https://workplacebullying.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/2024-Complete-Report.pdf
Misawa, M., J. Andrews, and K.Jenkins. 2018. A content analysis of women’s experiences of workplace bullying since 2000, Adult Education Research Conference, Kansas State University Libraries, New Prairie Press.